Today, Showing Up is Optional

So this has been an interesting week. Monday was my brothers 24th birthday, Tuesday as my cousin Daniels 17th birthday, and today is/would be my dad’s 60th birthday. I know, that last one looks a little strange, but let me follow that by saying my dad died 21 (almost 22) years ago. With that being said, let me start with Donald and Daniel.

I am so proud of the men my brother and cousin are growing up to be. They are two of the most important people in my world – seriously I wouldn’t know what to do without them. My brother is my best friend and has always taken care of me because of the above situation. I don’t think I’ve ever told him thank you for that… Maybe I should. Seriously, if you ever talk to me (you know, in person) I can tell you all about my brother. I love that guy, he’s my best friend. Dan is an absolute mess. He has been since day one. He is so stinkin naturally talented, especially when it comes to sports. He is so athletic, and he knows it. Those boys, along with the youngest, Phil, make my world go around. I am the absolute biggest fan of their lives. I am so blessed to be apart of the family, seriously, I couldn’t dream of being apart of a better 4some of cousins than this one. This picture really describes us. Donald, Dan, me, and Phil. I love these boys with my whole heart.Image

 

Now, onto something less fun, and onto why today my life is optional. As I stated in the beginning today would be my dad’s 60th birthday, however, he died when I was 5 months old and my brother was 22 months old. Now, in so much as I can remember I have never once questioned God’s logic in all of this. In 22 years, I have never said “why my family, God”. Mom always told us (and I have always fully believed) that God had a bigger plan for us than what we could see because of the situation. I truly believe that there is a reason for my dad not being here my entire life and that some day I will see that. However, for some reason today the reminder that “oh yeah, your dads dead” is way more real. As much as I don’t like it, I’m pissed at God about it. I think the creator of the universe is big enough to handle me being mad at Him for this. I mean, let’s face it. Have I had a bad life? Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am so blessed with the family I do have, and my mom did one hell of a job raising my brother and me. I am truly one of the most fortunate people on the planet because of my family. But let’s get real, my dad wasn’t here to see my brother or me graduate high school. He won’t see us finish college, get married, or start a family. My kids will always have 1 grandpa, they’ll never know my dad  because I never knew him. I’ve heard stories, but I don’t have those memories. It sucks. I look at kids who treat their parents with such disrespect and think “how dare you?” Kids have no idea who incredibly fortunate they are to still have their dads around. Then I look at the dads who are absolute dead beats and aren’t worth the air they breathe, and how they bail on their kids and I think the exact same thing. How dare you cheat your child out of a relationship with you. I don’t understand it, and it makes me mad.

From everything I’ve heard, my dad was an incredible man. I’m not saying my life would have been better or worse with him around, but I do know it would have been different. I wish I would have had the opportunity to know him instead of just hear the stories. I don’t know, for some reason it’s just way harder to deal with today than it has been in years past. Maybe it’s because I’m graduating this year? I don’t know. With all of that being said: Image

Happy birthday daddy. 10/26/52 – 2/1/91

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