When You’re Not Really Sure What to Say

You know those days where you feel like if you don’t write soon, you’re going to explode? Welcome to my world recently. I have felt the need to put into words what I’ve been feeling lately, but the problems are that 1) I haven’t had the time and 2) I’m not entirely sure what I’m feeling. That’s not entirely true, I’ve had time I just haven’t had the words. I know what I’m feeling I just haven’t known how to express it. A friend of mine told me today to just start writing, so with that advice in mind… I’ll write

I hate to wait. I am not a patient person. I feel like all I’m doing write now is waiting. Waiting on grad school, waiting on graduation, waiting on a boy (don’t judge that one), waiting to look for a job, waiting to find a place to live next year. Everything I’m doing right now feels like a waiting game. I hate it. I’m trying so hard to learn to be patient and wait on God’s timing, but it’s just not something I think I can do. It’s stressing me out on every level right now. I’m irritable, short tempered (more than normal if you can believe it), not focused, it’s awful. I don’t like it. I feel so out of control of my life right now and I can’t stand it. I love to be in control it makes life easier when I can control everything. Then, when something goes wrong there’s no one to blame but myself.

This morning I was reading a chapter out of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I’m reading through it for Lent (which is super hard, by the way) and this is just some of what I read.

“The heart of worship is surrender.”
“A…barrier to total surrender is our pride…That desire – to have complete control – is the cause of so much stress in our lives.”
“We accept our humanity intellectually, but not emotionally. When faced with our own limitations, we react with irritation, anger, and resentment.”
“Nothing is more powerful than a surrendered life in the hands of God.”
“…there is the practice of surrender, which is moment-by-moment and lifelong.”

Now if you’re a control freak who hates the word surrender as much as me, you need to go read Chapter 10 of this book and then let it all sink in. Seriously, marinate on that for a bit. If I was doing “my one word” it would officially be “surrender”. Why is this so hard for me? My pride. My desire for control. My fear that God cannot handle it. Looking at that last one in writing makes me laugh. For me to think that the creator of the universe cannot handle my life is just comical. I need to surrender. I need to practice daily turning my life, problems, fears, desires, frustrations, trials, joys, everything, over to God. To get back the person I am, my personality, I need to turn it all over. I need to wait on Gods timing and be patient for what He wants to reveal to me when. I was texting said friend today and this is a portion of the conversation:

Her: God pretty much blew me away last night and was like bam! Deal with this lol.
Me: I mean, I love when God does stuff like that but could he not pick times I find convenient? It would just be easier.
Her: God’s timing is never convenient! That’s where faith comes in

There were other portions of this conversation, hipster, some friendly judgement for sounding so churchy, all the good stuff. But that last part, while I know that, and I tell myself that alllllll the time, it is just so much more….more when someone says it out of no where when you’re not expecting it. Of course His timing is not my timing. While I have such a short sided, linear view of reality, eternity, and life, God has such a…well…God view of it all. He knows what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. He knows things that I can’t even fathom because He is seeing them. So while I feel I need the answers for everything after graduation right now, He knows I don’t. There are things that need to happen and transpire before I need that information.

Patience is not something that comes natural to me. To wait is not my natural instinct, but it is something I need to learn. I need to give over my pride and selfishness to God and learn to wait on His perfect timing. It is a day by day, minute by minute process that I am going to struggle with (literally til kingdom come) but it’s worth it. To realize that I am not in control is very sobering, and sometimes it takes the littlest thing to make you realize the biggest thing.

I have no idea how exactly I will learn this. It has to be lived out every minute of every day which is also something I’m not good at. I think I can do it. I’m hoping/praying I can.

-S

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