I made this blog exactly a year ago today. The day my grandmother died. I had been planning to blog through the whole ordeal because I was just hanging out in a hospital waiting, hoping, and praying she would get better. I’m not sure I could sort my words out then, and today isn’t much better. I haven’t been able to sort my words out for a month now.
So yes, my grandma has been gone a year. 365 days. 8,760 hours… Actually, not quite that many hours. Have to wait until 12:45 am for that. I miss her so much. I don’t think there are words for this kind of pain. That day, that whole experience. I’ll never forget it. My brother made a great slide show of pictures of her. I love it, yet it doesn’t do her justice.
She was by far the most amazing, beautiful, Godly, loving, wonderful woman on the planet. She taught me so much about everything. She was the one who pushed me to go to Campbell because she wanted me to have a 4 year degree. Now, she won’t even see me graduate.
There are so many memories, stories, and pictures. When I was watching the slideshow I couldn’t tell if I was laughing or crying…maybe both. Everyone loved my grandma. I love my grandma more than anyone on this world. She always made me feel important, because to her I was. I never questioned how important I was to her, which lately, I’ve been questioning in general (more on that later). I knew I mattered to her, and I knew I was one of the most important things in the world to her.
I learned a lot through the experience though. I spent 14 days and 13 nights in a hospital even though she was completely unconscious the whole time. Even though I know she is far, far better off in Heaven than she ever was here, I can’t help but be selfish. I can’t help but wish she were still here, just down the street so I could go see her and tell her about my classes. She could help me with math and science, like she always did.
I miss her, a lot. It still hurts, just as bad as it did in 2012. Everyone says it gets easier, but it doesn’t feel like it. I still feel like I got hit by a mac truck going at max speed carrying a ton of bricks.
I’m going to put a normal post on here later about something else that’s been on my mind lately, but I wanted to get some of this down in writing. Not that any of my thoughts make any more sense now than they did before, but maybe this is a start.
I love you, grandma. 1/15/33 – 3/4/12